Friday, March 16, 2012


Two years after my last blog post. Here I am. Who'd have thought? Not even me. It feels strange to be here... Empty, deserted...but fond with memories.
So much has changed! Two years of life changing experiences that have influenced, shaped and/or altered my philosophies and outlook on life.
Most importantly, GROWTH! Mentally, intellectually, physically and psychologically.
Going through some of my old posts felt weird! I'm definitely not where I was then anymore. Like they say, change is the only constant thing in life. Positive change of-course.

So here I am again. Deleted all but six of my posts. Cleaning the slate. Heading in a new direction.
This place always was a lot of things for me. A solitary retreat, a bubble where I could make sense of and express, through words, the random thoughts, emotions, views/opinions that cluttered the crevices and recesses of my mind.

Sometimes I wonder if people still come here.
I remember the immense joy and satisfaction of feeling like people cared for my writing... I miss that.

I'm back and I will be sharing my blatantly honest thoughts, Ideas, vents, and pieces of my life. No rules. Just whatever feels right

Here I am again, I need to know... Am I still relevant?

Love and Hugs!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Aunt Christa went in to study nursing in the university....somewhere along the line, she met a man who later became her husband... Physically, he wasn't an attractive man but when asked by her close friend's and immediate family, she maintained that his personality was what mattered.. Besides, she said... 'He is also a doctor and we're in the same field'

Christa went along to marry this man and together, they built an empire.... He managed to establish a hospital in a remote village in Delta state Nigeria. Prior to this, residents of this village would have to travel far to the city to get medical attention but now,the whole village came to him instead.. he became nothing short of a messiah....

With the tremendous success of the hospital, he began opening branches in different rural neighborhoods for people who couldn't afford to travel long distances to go to hospitals in the city.... Eventually and over a period of time, he and his wife had managed to open several hospitals and pharmacies all over southern Nigeria... They were wealthy!!

Of course!! as is synonymous to the African culture, the husband took on the responsibility of seeing some of Aunt Christa's family member's through school... He even offered jobs to most of them in some of his numerous hospitals and pharmacies. A huge part of her family which had come from abject poverty now depended on Christa and her husband for their welfare...

Many years had passed and their marriage had produced two lovely kids...Then Christa decided to bring home her 18 year old niece from the village to train in school and help around the house as well...
Yes!! Yes!! You guessed right!! no surprise when our dear 'Unattractive but wealthy Doctor husband' started sleeping with this girl and he was at it for a while too before they got caught...
Now, how the cat was let out of the bag, i have no idea, but what i do know is that a lot of mayhem erupted from this shameless act.. The family was greatly disappointed and enraged at their son-in-law who had 'taken advantage of' and slept with Christa's NIECE!!!!

They called family meetings and repeatedly rebuked him for his actions.. Finally, the reaction we've all been waiting for... Christa's husband became angry and demanded some respect from her 'ungrateful' family members.. He would not take their insults anymore and as a matter of fact, was ready to MARRY the niece as a second wife if it was such a big deal...

WHAT??!! Christa couldn't believe her ears and neither could the members of her family who vehemently refused that he marry the little girl..

When it became apparent that they weren't going to give him their 'blessings', he went ahead to marry her anyway without their consent..At this point, the hurt and angry Christa who would not be a 'fellow wife' to ANYONE...especially not her own niece, decided to pack her things and leave...
Things went downhill from then on..

The 'husband' stopped paying the fees for her family member's whom he'd been training and he also fired each and every one of them from the job's he'd given them. He withdrew all favours and completely turned his back on Christa and all of her family..

Christa was completely helpless..No home, no money, no job...Nothing!!'s true that she and her husband had both worked for everything he owned but that didn't change the fact that she knew little about all the documents to the Properties, Cars etc which were all in his name by the way... She didn't even have a bank account of her own because she'd believed that since they were husband and wife, then they were one and as such should operate a joint account...

Now, she had access to NOTHING at all.... where would she start from?? Where??? after all these years???


Three years has passed since that incident and Christa as well as her ever supportive family are knocking on our dear husband's door and begging him to 'forgive her for leaving' and take her back. The suffering has been over-bearing and she has had to swallow her pride with a big glass of water...

Aunt Christa is my dad's Friend's cousin. (Hope I'm not confusing you) He told me this story yesterday and what immediately came to my mind was the thought that the importance of female empowerment cannot be stressed enough... If i was her,I'd be damned if I'd ever go back begging... I'd rather die than beg that fool after everything he did... but that's what Christa is doing right now and lets face it, so many factors are against her... Age, the ever deteriorating economy of Nigeria and most importantly, the will to start over..

We as women should learn from the mistakes of people like Aunt Christa.... we should learn to empower ourselves financially so that in the face of an event like this, we wouldn't be helpless.

It's not surprising how most women who even have jobs don't really have anything to show for it except a nice wardrobe, car and fancy things.Don't leave the money making decisions to your man to decide neither should you depend solely on him to survive..Anything can happen... Divorce, or even death of a spouse and then where does that leave you? and your kids if any?

For those of us who aren't married, the same thing applies to us. Even though we have boyfriend's that are willing to take care of us, we should be able to stand on our own two feet and be independent.
I know a girl who didn't wanna leave her boyfriend after all his physical abuse, cheating and ill-treatment, just because she depended on him for a lot of things... Money-wise i mean.

If men can do it, why can't we?? #Food for thought

Later Luvs...Kisses!!

Saturday, January 30, 2010



It's the start of the Spring semester and right now, i'm in the library in school doing some research for the article i'm writing on 'plaigerism' for my school's paper... I just wanted to take the time out to say hey to my readers... I made a resolution to not be a sporadic blogger this year and i'm gonna do evrything i can to keep it..


"Baby" i said gently.... " why didn't you call me yesterday? Not even one call through out the whole day?! what happened?"

In a tone that i was all too familiar with, he said in deep rich baritone "I'm sorry Baby.. I had such a busy day . I was gonna call you as soon as i got home but i was sooooooo exhausted when i got back from work that i just dived into bed without even bothering to change"

I was quiet for a while as a myraid of thoughts were running through my mind.... By all indications, his excuses did seem quite genuine but how long was he gonna keep giving them?

We've been dating for five months and i can count how many times i've seen him cos he's always busy!! He's working two jobs and he's trying to get his MBA at the same time... His life is so choked up, it seems like he hardly has time for himself not to talk of me... or at least, that what he makes it look like..

We are at a point where making out time to see me is definitely not on his priority list. We live in the same state, but we see once in two weeks, if at all.
He tells me to be patient and that one day, all that is going to end. He would say things all the time about caring so much about me and missing me a lot but if he really did, wouldn't he wanna make time for me in his 'busy' life? Ultimately, actions speak louder than words and what I want to know is why? Why would he say things like this, but not even try to see me regularly?

Is he really busy or he's just not that into me... I wonder.. If he's so busy that he can't see me, then why did i see a tagged picture of him on facebook last weekend at a friend's graduation party? I thought he didn't have time for social events? Or the time that i called him that friday night when he was supposed to be stuck working late at the office and I could hear music in the background.

'Oh i see!! it turned out that you didn't have to work late anymore and u were gonna call me but as soon as you got home, your friends called and 'pressurized' u into going to have a couple of drinks huh? and you reluctantly obliged because it had been forever since u hung out with 'the guys' and u were gonna come see me but you were so wasted that it was all you could do not to pass out on your drive back home... ' Really? That's it? Can't you come up with something better like i didn't feel like seeing you and i lied about working late before i decided to spend the night with someone else...

See, what i don't get is why it's so hard for some guys and women to just come clean abt their feelings...If you're tired of a relationship, then why don't you save yourself the hassle by telling your significant other just that??.. You'd be free then to do whatever you want wouldn't u? I dunno, maybe it's bcos i'm such a blatantly honest person that doesn't like stress... if i feel like i'm not into someone, then i'll look for subtle ways to break it to him and save myself the stress of explaining why i'm so aloof these days, or why i don't call anymore, or i haven't made efforts to see him...

My Friends swear i'm being paranoid. pointing out that every time i've tried to leave, he keeps pulling me back and makes 'an effort' to change... but why should it have to be 'an effort?' shouldn't it come naturally? If you care abt someone then wouldn't u wanna be around them or call just to hear their voice... Life isn't that hard is it? hmmm i just can't figure men out... We truly are from different planets!!


Everyone who knows me, knows that i loooooooooooooooooooooove wale and i was so excited when i came across this song that he did for his Nigerian people... It features Bonnie Mack's (sierra leonne)- My sweetie...

I love the lyrics... had me LOL'ing especially when he tried to speak Yoruba

'Mix my Guinness with a doctor pepper.
She's so ibo, she's so sweet, shorty feed my ego
If your last name got thirteen letters, this is for you
Make my jollof with lots of pepper'


Mariam Makeba's Pata Pata, was recently used for a honda commercial and it was soo great to see that even if she's gone, (RIP) her music, still lives on... I looooove that song. I've performed it with my band countless times... If you wanna watch the commercial, click here

I gotta go now, coming back soon i promise... Love u loadz!!!

Later luvs...Kisses!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I had had a long and tiring day. It was the 26th of December in Port-Harcourt Nigeria...
We had a party that day every year to mark two occasions;my younger sister's birthday, and Christmas..
As always, i welcomed that day with mixed feelings..

EXCITEMENT; Because it was always so much fun,lots of food and drinks,friends,family and my parents were always in a good mood..

DREAD: Because of the enormous amount of work we had to do in preparation for the party...All the cooking( I was always the one in charge of scaling and cleaning the fish..ugh!! I hated that with all my heart but it wasn't exactly as if i had a choice) Worse still, the part i dreaded the most, was cleaning up after everyone had gone. Stacking up the party chairs, picking up bottles and plates littered all over the garden, and the grand finale WASHING THE DISHES!!! Once again, i usually was the one given the job of washing the plates and THE POTS( Must i remind you how hard it was with all the charcoal from cooking with firewood...)
When i asked my mum why we had to cook with firewood,(because honestly, i thought only village women cooked with firewood)she answered that since we were cooking in large quantities with such big pots, it would be impossible to cook in the kitchen plus "The smoke from the firewood enters the food and gives it a special flavor" she said...

Anyway, at about 1:21 am, i was done washing up and i went to bed exhausted...I woke up a few minutes later to the sound of a door slamming..Alarmed, i tried to get up and see what it was but to my dismay,i found out that i couldn't move..My hands, legs, mouth, head, every part of my body was non-responsive.I started panicking and since i didn't know what else to do, i started praying and calling the name of Jesus over and over again until after a while it released me. Long after that alarming incidence, i was still awake and i couldn't summon the courage to go back to bed.

" My dear... I think you've been watching too much home videos... I knew it!! All these Nigerian movies are not healthy for you...all they talk about is witches and wizards and now, you've started having hallucinations that are a spin off from what you watch... I've told you always to..."

"Mummy!!!!!" I screamed impatiently, getting frustrated from all her rantings...the woman didn't seem to believe what i was saying "I was not hallucinating ok? Neither was i dreaming... I swear, the first thing i saw, was a bright light and i heard a door slamming. after that, i couldn't move!! I'm scared cos what happened to me, had an evil aura about it"

Following that, was an uncontrollable bout of laughter from my mum.... she apparently thought that my brain had gone into overdrive and i had started imagining things...My Mum didn't believe in witchcraft or demons and i knew right then and there that i had wasted my time telling her...

In search for answers, i related the same story to my aunt who was far more helpful than my mum...
" Fashinga, i know exactly what you're talking about because i have first hand experience... It's been happening to me for ten years now and the only thing you can do is prayer, prayer and more prayer... What you experienced is a demon sitting on you..."

My eyes widened when i heard this and she continued.. " Yes, when you sleep in a certain way, the demon comes and sits on your back, so you can't move.. It is called oppression by the devil. Whenever something good is about to happen in your life, he sends his agents to come and take away all your riches, take your destiny and he gives you bad luck...that is why you have to pray and fight it whenever it comes your way. "

After that day, "the devil" kept "sitting on my back" very frequently...i was scared to fall asleep and i was slowly starting to lose my mind...At some point, my aunt took me to her church for deliverance....this, she said, would drive the devil away.
I would never forget that experience in my life.. I felt like one of those people who were possesed by demons...why else would i be going for DELIVERANCE?. didn't that mean casting out demons?
Anyhoo, after the session, it stopped coming and i was able to sleep well for about 6 months but alas, "The devil" returned...

Somewhere along the line, i got tired of it and accepted it as part of me, my remedy? simple....when "The devil" came, i would struggle with it for a while,bind and cast him away,clutch my bible and go back to sleep.

I've lived like this for 8 years now until last week,when i made a shocking discovery. I was browsing through google when i stumbled on a heading 'Sleep paralysis'. i thought that sounded interesting so i clicked on the link.. what i found out is too voluminous to put down here...

There are millions of people all over the world who have been experiencing the same thing that i've been experiencing for 8 years of my life now.. most of the experiences differ slightly but we have one thing in common...The fact that when it happens, you can't are completely paralysed!!

People from various cultures have different beliefs: My aunt called it oppresion by the devil, some people say that when you go to bed, your spirit leaves your body and when you wake up, because your spirit hasn't returened yet, you can't move...some people say it's a demonic visitation.. Others call it alien abduction and so on and so forth...

'Ignorance is a disease' was the phrase that came to my mind when i was reading about this medical condition called 'Sleep paralysis'.

"Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false"

If you wanna find out more about this, click here

All these years, i have lived in ignorance!! Believing that the devil has been sitting on me... The truama i went through, thinking i was one of the few people in the world who experience this....I was even scared to tell any of my friends so they won't think i have spiritual problems... I decided to share this discovery with you guys for some of you who have been experiencing this but have never really gotten answers... until last week, i was also ignorant... some of you might have heard of this, some might have not but for those of you who are experiencing this or know people who are, i would love to hear your stories...

In the light of other news, my luvs... I know i have'nt been here for a while now, and sooooooo much has happened in my life for such a short period of time... lots of gist coming your me!! *wink* lol....

I missed you guys loadzzzzzz..........kisses luvs!!


Monday, July 6, 2009

When Catastrophe struck..

So i took some time off blogging to mourn the loss of the king of pop MJ.

Yeah right!! That's totally a lie.. What?! I could'nt think of any other excuse to give you guys..I know i've been bad lately. Blogging sporadically, not replying to comments and hardly making my blog rounds. I'm so sorry luvs, please forgive me. I've been working like crazy and i havent had the time but i promise to change..Also, i would like to thank everyone who left a comment on my post, The case of the Ex. Your words meant soooo much to me and i'm proud to say that i've moved on with my life. I took your advice and i'm not even in contact with him right now. Just what i needed.. I'm sending you guys hugs right back!!

That being said, I got a call from my sister two days ago and long after we'd finished talking, i was in shock and incredibly thankful to God for my life..
My luvs,here's the gist...

My sister called me and said "Fashinga, do you remember what happened to you some years ago at the Presidential hotels in Portharcourt?"
After she refreshed my memory, i responded "Yes i do..Why?" and then she proceeded to tell me the shocking story.. I know i'm confusing you guys right now but let me start from the begining.

A few years ago, my uncle who was in America, had sent me some money via western union and after collecting the money, i had gone to a particular 'mallam'(Mallam usually signifies muslim men from the north of Nigeria) friend of mine who was into 'bureau de change' to convert the money to Naira.

When i was done, as i was about to cross the street to where there was a gathering of 'okada'(Okada is the Nigerian term for motorcycle) drivers, i noticed a sleek black landcruiser jeep with dark tinted windows that stopped for me to cross.

After crossing I had taken a few steps when i heard someone call me from behind.

"Hey, hey.. Excuse me miss."

So i turn around to see who's calling. He's a tall, skinny, dark skinned man.. About 6ft 2.. His eyes were bloodshot looking and his palms looked very hard and calloused. He was dressed respectably in a blue, buttoned up longsleeved shirt and black khaki pants.

"Yes, how can i help you" I said

" I'm sorry to take up your time" he said politely "but did you happen to notice the car that stopped for you to cross the road?"
i nodded and he continued " Well, i'm the driver of that car. My boss noticed you as you crossed, and he likes you so he asked me to come and speak to you"

"Is that so? What about?" I asked very disintrestedly.

He smiled cockily and edged a little closer to me, speaking in a lower tone " You see sister, my boss is a very rich man. He is a white expatriate and he's doing business in Nigeria. You are very lucky to have caught his attention"

I arched my eyebrow when i heard that and the guy continued " I tell you, my Oga spends 'dollars.'( With emphasis on dollars. My Nigerian people will understand what i mean by this) He will shower you will lots of dollars and all he wants right now is for you to have lunch with him.."

I laugh for a few seconds and say " Look, i dont have time for all this, as you can see, i was going somewhere and i'm very busy. Tell your oga i'm not interested in his dollars" and with that, i turned to leave but he held me back

" I know you're a wise girl and you won't let this oppurtunity pass you by"

I wanted to give him a rude comeback and tell him to buzz off, but i changed my mind. Instead i said " Ok i have heard you.. I will go out with your oga but i cant follow you all the way to your car, people will notice me. Why dont you go and turn around? i'll wait right here for you"

He seemed pleased to hear that, and as soon as he turned around, i walked straight to where an okada was parked and boarded one home without looking back...

Now that you know about the 'incident' that my sister was reffering to, let me fastfoward to the future.

My sister called to tell me that a particular cousin of mine had been involved in a very similar incident that turned out to be almost fatal.

Now let me a little background info on this cousin of mine.. She's a very lively and fun person to be with. she doesnt take life too seriously and believes in her policy " There's only one life to live so live it to the fullest!"

She loves adventure and Men! Yes men! She's the type that would follow friends to parties out of state if she heard that there was gonna be a loaded guy from 'abraod' that she could possibly land.

So that fateful day, a similar thing had happened to her but knowing my cousin, it was no surprise to hear that she followed the so called 'driver' to the car but unfortunately for her, the supposed 'white' man that she expected to meet, turned out to be two hefty guys who immediately put a bag over her head when she got into the car. According the her, (from what my sister said) the last thought on her mind before she passed out was "Oh my God. I'm going to die"

She (my cousin) said she woke up in a room in a dark uncompleted building to find six other girls. they all had their hands tied to their backs and some were crying hysterically.. It immediately hit her that she had been caught by ritualists.

Well, let me cut the long story short 'cos this post is getting too lenghty...
They had come to take her away to perhaps meet her death and she was taken to a Native doctor who was supposed to perform some ritual before they hack her into pieces.But when she got there, the Native doctor looked at her strangely and told the other guys that her spirit was not good and if they used her for the medicine, she would spoil it and it wouldnt work.
So they were instructed to take her back. After they dropped her back in the room, she was exchanged with another girl,leaving just her and one more girl remaining. Before they left, she heard one of the guys telling another that they still had to kill her anyway.

When they left, the guy who was supposed to be guarding them had left probably to take a piss for a few mins so with survival on her mind, she decided to take a chance at escaping. Since she had been left untied, she helped the other girl out of the rope that bound her hands and they both slipped thru the open door and ran for their lives. The guy that was supposed to be gaurding them soon discovered that they had escaped and so he started running after them. She said the most shocking for her was when the guy threw an axe and it hit the other girl on the back. As she heard the blood chilling scream of the other girl as she fell, tears clouded her eyes and she just kept running as fast as her legs could take her without even pausing to look back..

Finally, she got to a clearing where she found two women fishing in the pond. So she frantically begged them to help her. They took her in their boat and she later found out that she was in a village called Omoku in Rivers state on the outskirts of Portharcourt.. With the help of the two women, she got to a motor park where she was able to board a bus back to portharcourt.

My sister told me that my cousin is still in shock and was just able to tell the story 'cos she hasnt been able to speak for a while now.

After what i heard, i was also in shock and still am, but for different reasons.. I kept thinking of what happened to me and how i left and took an okada home.
I kept wondering what would have become of me, had i entered that car. Would i have been as lucky as my cousin was,or would i be long gone now. I just thank God for saving my life as well as the life of my cousin though she learnt the hard way.

I'm sure God let her go through the experience to teach her a lesson. As for me, all those years of my mother telling me "Dont follow people you dont know" paid off. I was not phased by the 'white' man or the 'dollars'. And these guys (ritualists) use these techniques to lure Nigerian girls.

Well all i can do is just thank God because, there would have been no Fashinga by now and i wouldnt have met wonderful people like you!!

I won't be gone for long again! I promise..Thanks for your comments and love..It means soo much to me. I LOVE YOU!

Later Luvs..Kisses!!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Case of the Ex (Long Post)

" I can't take this anymore Kenny..I'm tired of your constant comparison of the two of us. I'm not her and i will never be her. If you love her so much, how come you're with me and not her. You know what, why dont you go sort yourself out ok?"

A few split seconds later, the sound of my phone hitting the wall with a loud crash filled my eardrums.

Some moments later, as i scuttled over to pick up and piece together the parts of my phone, i felt the tears that i had been trying so hard to hold back trickle down my cheeks, and before long, i was crying hysterically. Why did i love him so damn much? Why did he keep expecting me to be like her? Wasn't i trying my best?

In just a short while, he had broken through my defenses and taken a strong hold of my heart and now it seemed everything he did was with an intention to hurt me.

You see, he was hurting as well...He was hurting for different reasons...He was hurting because of her... "The Ex".

Where do i start? Well, let me start from the beginning

He was barely months out of the relationship and he couldn't get past the fact that it was over.. A few months after their break-up, he met me and we instantly hit it off.
I was enamored by his charms. He was all i wanted in a man. Handsome, Intelligent, understanding, caring and much more. We had a great connection and the 'chemistry' between us was strong.
After a few weeks, as i got to know more about him, i learnt about 'her'. It had been over for seven months now he said.He had apparently hurt her a lot and he felt guilty for the pain he caused her. Even though I could see that he still had feelings for this woman, i reasoned that it was realistic since he had been with her for years before the break-up. I could empathize with him, knowing how long it took me to get over my Ex as well.

I Ignored all the warning bells that warned me of the heart-wrenching pain that was to come and i proceeded to care for this man. It was not my intention to fall in love with him. No it was not my Intention to give my all to him.. I was caught unawares that day when he softly whispered "I Love you" into my ears as he held me close to him...

I didn't realize it at the time,call it stupidity or whatever but i now i see that i was his rebound. The first person he'd run to after 'her'. He needed someone to help him get over her. Someone to help erase the memories of her from his head. A substitute for her, and i unfortunately was that person.

As time progressed, he constantly expected me to act like her, think like her... so much so that he couldn't even see the unique person that i was.. Nothing i did appealed to him as long as i didn't do it like 'her'..It hurt me so darn much to see that i wasn't appreciated for who i was. I had lost that sweet and sensitive man i met at first.. All i saw was this frustrated man, who complained about everything i did. Why couldn't i just leave then?? I asked myself everyday while crying on my bed.. I loved him so much and i couldn't explain it.

A few weeks after, we had a long talk and decided to take a break from our 'farce' of a relationship, and settle for being just friends. 'Cos in truth, all he ever saw me as was a friend not a lover..
In the safety of my room, i cried over and over again.. something that had somewhat become a routine. The thing is he never saw me cry because i was always sure to put up a strong appearance when i saw him. I'd never let him think I'm weak..NEVER.

He calls me two days later and we decide to meet up. I was happy when i saw him and for a moment, i was oblivious to any pain. We laughed, talked and for the time being, the frustrated and depressed part of him was gone thankfully.

But a few hours later, my mood changes as I'm reminded by my forlorn heart all to soon that he never loved me like he'd claimed to. this mood swing does not go unnoticed and he too soon catches the bug..

"Don't get me wrong, i care about you. you have no idea.. but i've never loved anybody as much as i love her. All the time we haven't been together, i've been trying so hard to pretend that everything is all right but its not. I can't live without her. My life is meaningless and nothing interests me anymore.I just want to die! I just want to end my life!" He said all these to me in between sobs as he violently shook in my arms from crying.

I tried as much as i could to console him while my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I'm hurting so bad.. To love him so much and realize that whatever feelings he had claimed to have for me were all lies and she was the only one he loved with all his heart...

He begged me to help him talk to her, he said he's told her the way he feels for her but maybe she'd change her mind if she hears it from someone else.. but can i really go and convince another woman to take back the man that i love?

It hurts to know that all the times he spent with me, he really just wanted to be with her. All the good times we had, when we would laugh and play was all 'pretense' like he said. All the times he looked in my eyes and said he loved me, he was lying through his teeth.

What have i done wrong to him, to deserve this pain.. I don't blame him though. I blame this foolish thing called love, that makes people do stupid things without thinking. Once again, I'm a victim.

I told him i'll always be there for him, and i'll always be his friend to see him through his pain even though its killing me.. but must he think that I'm void of feelings?
This is the end of the road for me. I need some relief from this hurt that i feel. I need a release..

Monday, March 16, 2009

Vanilla Romance...

I'm staring at you,
Longing for you....
My anticipation building with the passing of every second
I can hear a consistent thud as the sound of my heartbeat gets louder
You're teasing me... Making me yearn for you
I so badly want to feel you in my mouth
The sweet sensation of tasting you with my tongue

I'm in my seventh heaven
Beside myself with pleasure
I try to resist you...
oooh i can’t take this anymore
I've got to have you

Slowly I advance
My tongue slithering over my lips
A resounding groan ensues from the gut of my throat
I close my eyes for a second
Images of you fill my head....
Creamy, velvety, and oh so sweet...

"Excuse me miss?? Are you going to order that shake you've been staring at?" her harsh voice intruding on my thoughts.

My eyes jerk open and the cashier is staring at me with utter amazement....

Shrugging, I give into temptation "Yes, I’ll have the vanilla shake" but this will be the last time, I thought to myself..I've got to resist your 'vanilla' charm...

Hehehehehhehehehehe... I fooled y'all didn’t I??

Later Luvs...Kisses!!!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus..


Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after.

But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant.

With the best and most loving intentions, love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep in. The resentments build. Communication breaks down. Mistrust increases. Rejection and repression result. The magic of love is lost.

A while ago, i read a great book called "Men are from mars, women are from Venus(or vice/versa)" and a few days ago, i was reminiscing on the confrontational moments i had with my Ex. The days when we used to argue over the silliest things.


"Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to "want what we want" and "feel the way we feel."

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.

Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.

Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained."

I have been trying for so long to figure men out. why they do certain things they do, how they feel about certain things we( women) do. This book gave me a little insight and i could completely empathize with the context of its content.

There are times when i would do things for my man and hope that he sees that the reason i'm doing them is because i care.
I expect some sort of acknowledgment of the efforts i'm making to keep him happy..when he doesnt reciprocate, i relentlessly keep up. hoping that one day, he'll see all the things i do for him. It gets to a point where i begin to feel unapreciated and frustrated. i can suddenly not take it anymore and my pent up antipation becomes aggresion, im thinking "he just doesnt care about me".

You see, maybe he does care, he just may be oblivious to the things the woman wants & or needs. This leads the woman to think that the man is excedingly selfish when all along SHE was doing these things for him hoping to ellicit some sort of return.....he did not ask her to do them. The man thinks that the woman has suddenly changed & become a bitch cuz she now no longer does these things with a smile, if at all. The woman gets fed up doing things for a man that does not appreciate her.

i think it all boils down to the fact that perhaps I am not speaking a language which he can understand, nor is he speaking mine. This is not to say our miscommunication is one or another's fault, we just need to try to figure out each other's language.

Sometimes, we all forget just how different we are. We expect him know exactly how we feel and he us..... This "magic" between 'us' is something i dont know if i'll ever be able to comprehend..

i might not be back soon cos i've got a lot of things on my to-do list but i hope this post has been insightful to some of you.. Be sure to share your thoughts on what you think..

Later luvs...Kisses!!!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Getting back in my element

Tears welled up in my eyes and despite the efforts i made to keep them constricted, i felt my face flush as they trickled down my cheeks. Why on earth was i crying? I had no idea.
I had been running away from this vast jumbled up world that is my mind for what seems like forever.. I didn't want to cry..Damn it!! But the slow and bluesy melody of an R'n'b song on my mp3 player, brought a torrent of emotions flooding through me and before long, i was shaking like i was having a seizure. After sometime, i tried to calm down and make some sense of my emotions.

You see, i was very unhappy..Had been, for a while but I'd been hiding behind a facade. Yes!! lying even to myself that everything was fine.

The problem was, my unhappiness was unfanthomed and No it wasn't heartbreak or depression...More like a horrible feeling of despair. Without even realizing it, i had slowly been slipping into a state of paranoia..The real me, was now lost in a pile of self-pity.

Since i was a child, I've always been a go-getter, an achiever with big dreams and a fierce spirit. Now, its almost as if I've lost my purpose and drive..As much as I'd like to say that there's nothing unorthodox about my feelings, i know I'm deriding myself and i choose not to believe in a delusion..

Have you ever felt like you were in a box that just kept closing in on you?..well, that's pretty much an explanation of how i feel
A myriad of thoughts are coming to me now. I suddenly understand the epiphany of the phrase
getting back in my element

I'm tired of being alive and not living
I'm tired of passing through each day like a dream..
A new day is dawn for me.It's time for me to wake up and evolve

I need to snap out of my reverie.. I'M GETTING BACK IN MY ELEMENT!!!