Saturday, June 13, 2009
" I can't take this anymore Kenny..I'm tired of your constant comparison of the two of us. I'm not her and i will never be her. If you love her so much, how come you're with me and not her. You know what, why dont you go sort yourself out ok?"
A few split seconds later, the sound of my phone hitting the wall with a loud crash filled my eardrums.
Some moments later, as i scuttled over to pick up and piece together the parts of my phone, i felt the tears that i had been trying so hard to hold back trickle down my cheeks, and before long, i was crying hysterically. Why did i love him so damn much? Why did he keep expecting me to be like her? Wasn't i trying my best?
In just a short while, he had broken through my defenses and taken a strong hold of my heart and now it seemed everything he did was with an intention to hurt me.
You see, he was hurting as well...He was hurting for different reasons...He was hurting because of her... "The Ex".
Where do i start? Well, let me start from the beginning
He was barely months out of the relationship and he couldn't get past the fact that it was over.. A few months after their break-up, he met me and we instantly hit it off.
I was enamored by his charms. He was all i wanted in a man. Handsome, Intelligent, understanding, caring and much more. We had a great connection and the 'chemistry' between us was strong.
After a few weeks, as i got to know more about him, i learnt about 'her'. It had been over for seven months now he said.He had apparently hurt her a lot and he felt guilty for the pain he caused her. Even though I could see that he still had feelings for this woman, i reasoned that it was realistic since he had been with her for years before the break-up. I could empathize with him, knowing how long it took me to get over my Ex as well.
I Ignored all the warning bells that warned me of the heart-wrenching pain that was to come and i proceeded to care for this man. It was not my intention to fall in love with him. No it was not my Intention to give my all to him.. I was caught unawares that day when he softly whispered "I Love you" into my ears as he held me close to him...
I didn't realize it at the time,call it stupidity or whatever but i now i see that i was his rebound. The first person he'd run to after 'her'. He needed someone to help him get over her. Someone to help erase the memories of her from his head. A substitute for her, and i unfortunately was that person.
As time progressed, he constantly expected me to act like her, think like her... so much so that he couldn't even see the unique person that i was.. Nothing i did appealed to him as long as i didn't do it like 'her'..It hurt me so darn much to see that i wasn't appreciated for who i was. I had lost that sweet and sensitive man i met at first.. All i saw was this frustrated man, who complained about everything i did. Why couldn't i just leave then?? I asked myself everyday while crying on my bed.. I loved him so much and i couldn't explain it.
A few weeks after, we had a long talk and decided to take a break from our 'farce' of a relationship, and settle for being just friends. 'Cos in truth, all he ever saw me as was a friend not a lover..
In the safety of my room, i cried over and over again.. something that had somewhat become a routine. The thing is he never saw me cry because i was always sure to put up a strong appearance when i saw him. I'd never let him think I'm weak..NEVER.
He calls me two days later and we decide to meet up. I was happy when i saw him and for a moment, i was oblivious to any pain. We laughed, talked and for the time being, the frustrated and depressed part of him was gone thankfully.
But a few hours later, my mood changes as I'm reminded by my forlorn heart all to soon that he never loved me like he'd claimed to. this mood swing does not go unnoticed and he too soon catches the bug..
"Don't get me wrong, i care about you. you have no idea.. but i've never loved anybody as much as i love her. All the time we haven't been together, i've been trying so hard to pretend that everything is all right but its not. I can't live without her. My life is meaningless and nothing interests me anymore.I just want to die! I just want to end my life!" He said all these to me in between sobs as he violently shook in my arms from crying.
I tried as much as i could to console him while my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I'm hurting so bad.. To love him so much and realize that whatever feelings he had claimed to have for me were all lies and she was the only one he loved with all his heart...
He begged me to help him talk to her, he said he's told her the way he feels for her but maybe she'd change her mind if she hears it from someone else.. but can i really go and convince another woman to take back the man that i love?
It hurts to know that all the times he spent with me, he really just wanted to be with her. All the good times we had, when we would laugh and play was all 'pretense' like he said. All the times he looked in my eyes and said he loved me, he was lying through his teeth.
What have i done wrong to him, to deserve this pain.. I don't blame him though. I blame this foolish thing called love, that makes people do stupid things without thinking. Once again, I'm a victim.
I told him i'll always be there for him, and i'll always be his friend to see him through his pain even though its killing me.. but must he think that I'm void of feelings?
This is the end of the road for me. I need some relief from this hurt that i feel. I need a release..