Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Case of the Ex (Long Post)

" I can't take this anymore Kenny..I'm tired of your constant comparison of the two of us. I'm not her and i will never be her. If you love her so much, how come you're with me and not her. You know what, why dont you go sort yourself out ok?"

A few split seconds later, the sound of my phone hitting the wall with a loud crash filled my eardrums.

Some moments later, as i scuttled over to pick up and piece together the parts of my phone, i felt the tears that i had been trying so hard to hold back trickle down my cheeks, and before long, i was crying hysterically. Why did i love him so damn much? Why did he keep expecting me to be like her? Wasn't i trying my best?

In just a short while, he had broken through my defenses and taken a strong hold of my heart and now it seemed everything he did was with an intention to hurt me.

You see, he was hurting as well...He was hurting for different reasons...He was hurting because of her... "The Ex".

Where do i start? Well, let me start from the beginning

He was barely months out of the relationship and he couldn't get past the fact that it was over.. A few months after their break-up, he met me and we instantly hit it off.
I was enamored by his charms. He was all i wanted in a man. Handsome, Intelligent, understanding, caring and much more. We had a great connection and the 'chemistry' between us was strong.
After a few weeks, as i got to know more about him, i learnt about 'her'. It had been over for seven months now he said.He had apparently hurt her a lot and he felt guilty for the pain he caused her. Even though I could see that he still had feelings for this woman, i reasoned that it was realistic since he had been with her for years before the break-up. I could empathize with him, knowing how long it took me to get over my Ex as well.

I Ignored all the warning bells that warned me of the heart-wrenching pain that was to come and i proceeded to care for this man. It was not my intention to fall in love with him. No it was not my Intention to give my all to him.. I was caught unawares that day when he softly whispered "I Love you" into my ears as he held me close to him...

I didn't realize it at the time,call it stupidity or whatever but i now i see that i was his rebound. The first person he'd run to after 'her'. He needed someone to help him get over her. Someone to help erase the memories of her from his head. A substitute for her, and i unfortunately was that person.

As time progressed, he constantly expected me to act like her, think like her... so much so that he couldn't even see the unique person that i was.. Nothing i did appealed to him as long as i didn't do it like 'her'..It hurt me so darn much to see that i wasn't appreciated for who i was. I had lost that sweet and sensitive man i met at first.. All i saw was this frustrated man, who complained about everything i did. Why couldn't i just leave then?? I asked myself everyday while crying on my bed.. I loved him so much and i couldn't explain it.

A few weeks after, we had a long talk and decided to take a break from our 'farce' of a relationship, and settle for being just friends. 'Cos in truth, all he ever saw me as was a friend not a lover..
In the safety of my room, i cried over and over again.. something that had somewhat become a routine. The thing is he never saw me cry because i was always sure to put up a strong appearance when i saw him. I'd never let him think I'm weak..NEVER.

He calls me two days later and we decide to meet up. I was happy when i saw him and for a moment, i was oblivious to any pain. We laughed, talked and for the time being, the frustrated and depressed part of him was gone thankfully.

But a few hours later, my mood changes as I'm reminded by my forlorn heart all to soon that he never loved me like he'd claimed to. this mood swing does not go unnoticed and he too soon catches the bug..

"Don't get me wrong, i care about you. you have no idea.. but i've never loved anybody as much as i love her. All the time we haven't been together, i've been trying so hard to pretend that everything is all right but its not. I can't live without her. My life is meaningless and nothing interests me anymore.I just want to die! I just want to end my life!" He said all these to me in between sobs as he violently shook in my arms from crying.

I tried as much as i could to console him while my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I'm hurting so bad.. To love him so much and realize that whatever feelings he had claimed to have for me were all lies and she was the only one he loved with all his heart...

He begged me to help him talk to her, he said he's told her the way he feels for her but maybe she'd change her mind if she hears it from someone else.. but can i really go and convince another woman to take back the man that i love?

It hurts to know that all the times he spent with me, he really just wanted to be with her. All the good times we had, when we would laugh and play was all 'pretense' like he said. All the times he looked in my eyes and said he loved me, he was lying through his teeth.

What have i done wrong to him, to deserve this pain.. I don't blame him though. I blame this foolish thing called love, that makes people do stupid things without thinking. Once again, I'm a victim.

I told him i'll always be there for him, and i'll always be his friend to see him through his pain even though its killing me.. but must he think that I'm void of feelings?
This is the end of the road for me. I need some relief from this hurt that i feel. I need a release..


Sweetnothin' said...

awwwwww, I'm so sorry honey. IKnow exactly how this feels. Take heart, and pray, you'll be fine. I'll be holding it up for you too....:)

juiceegal said...

Wow this is such a touching story....I can only imagine how you feel.
It must be really painful to watch the one you love pin for someone else.
But then does he think that you are devoid of emotions too, has he stopped for one second to think about what you're going through, love can be a bitch sometimes.
If u feel you are strong enough to help him get the 'ex' back then go ahead, but personally if it was me, i don't think my heart would be strong enough to go thru with it. I know some people say if you truly love someone then that person's happiness is what you should be after even if that happiness does'nt lie with you. But in reality does it work that way?? How many of us are strong enough for that?? I'm definitely not.

Funms-the rebirth said...

first of all..... hugs.... I can imagine how you feel. Its hard and you shouldnt do it.. Hes made it clear he obviously doesnt want to be with u so pls let him go.... Dont help him talk to the girl cuz you want to be friends with him or want him to be happy. You have feelings too and its a damn shame hes oblivious to it....
Its time to move on dear, i know its going to be hard but you have to do it for your sanity and happiness.... i dont think u should handle being friends just yet, u need space to clear him out.....

Nice Anon said...

Eyaaaa. Gosh i felt that a lot. I believe you cannot come inbetween someone and what they truly want. Sometimes you just have to let go. I know you care and if being with her is what he truly wants then let him do just that. i feel for you.

Easier said than done i know.

UnderCover07 said...

This was my post title few weeks ago...

To watch the one you love,love another; and then ask you to help find his way back to her...*sighs* I dnt knw if there's enuff words to describe the pain.

But what I do know is that,am glad it came to an end, bcos u cnt keep giving and giving wivout anything in return dear. You deserve to have someone love you for your fabolous self...someone who looks at you and she's YOU not a reflection of an ex.

You'll be fine and it will all get better in time...and the man that the Lord has specially for you is on his way dear.

Loads of hugs!!!!!

UnderCover07 said...
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Anonymous said...

Nothing hurts more like the hurt of hope deferred - especially when it seemed like you came close to getting it... Chin up... Its better dude is trying to get back with her as opposed to being with you and thinking of her.......

Miss FlyHigh - LondonsNaijaQueen said...

Babe I miss youu tooooo!!!!! We need to obviously have a little chat ... I know you'll be fine hun , trust me.
Hopefully we'll speak soon hun.

Omo Oba said...

I can imagine the pain. Please I beg, dont talk to anyone for him. For him to have the guts to tell u to help him talk to her? do you even know her? even if you did, why is he askin you?? not a sibling, not anyone, but you - ridiculous if u ask me. You are not wood my dear, u also feel and love...U need to break it down to let him know exactly what he has done to u. And swirl your hair, do a 360, and say never again even tho u may go and cry in your room. Never again.

~Sirius~ said...


I don't know where to start.
My heart goes out to you.
I experienced the 1st half of your story with a little twist though- So i know how it feels to console the one you love while he grieves his ex.

All I can say is time heals- you played your part, and loved with all your heart.

I'd say you are in a good place- at least you know for sure you have no business being with him.

I consoled and adviced. and that's where it should end- he has to pick the pieces himself.

Like undercover said- you will ok with time.

I never believed I could recover- But I did in less than 4 months.

Take the lesson learnt and do a fabulous moving on.

BSNC said...

Aww look at what my babe is going through. we will fight o, you know i am one call away now.. haba

It is his lost, a very big one. You know you are a beautiful, intelligent, funny.... lady. it is not the end of the road for you jare.

I can't say i know, but i imagine what you are going through. Chin up girl. You will be okay :)

BBG said... must be in such really sucks some times, especially for those who some times fall victim to it. But time heals. You'll get better in time, even if it some times happens slowly. I guess its better it happened now rather than much much much later in the future cos the tears and pain would have continued. Just take each day as it comes. Soon you'll look back and the pain you feel now will get lighter. lots of hugs from me.

Oma said...

im sending my love, my hugs and my shoulders.

If ur so in love sticking with him to help him get back with is ex is like letting poison slowly sip thru ur veins to ur heart. So please just let him know how u feel and let him know that if it is the Ex he wants then u wish him the best. But watchin the one you love love someone else is not good for the heart at all

However if u think u can handle it go for it.

all the best

Miss Natural said...

This is really touching, this happened to me to in a different way and it was hard. Rebound is never good and i'm sorry you learnt that the hard way. There will be another man, that's created specially for you and who will realize how unique and beautiful you are. chin up and be strong ok...and no I dont agree that you should go back and help him get the woman he loves. not for revenge or anything but that requires strength, do you have it?
This is no one's fault like you said, well apart from love. Chin up again ok.

Anonymous said...

How can you describe an emotional pain that yet completely physically weakens you?
Babe pele o.
What you need is to let him go and put him behind you...
Easier said than done...I know

Bibi said...

wow! okay, quick question. is this story about you or just a literary work? but then again, don't you think we blame a lot of our not so brilliant decisions on love? i understand the fact that you fell for him and he said he loved you but we all know that the words of a guy or girl on the rebound should be taken for what it is, face value. now if this is about you, i sympathize because it cannot be easy getting caught in this love triangle. but since the deed is already done, i would suggest that you take yourself away from the situation as far away as you can. you do not want to get involved with him and the love of his life because no matter how strong you become, or how much you get over him, you do not need constant reminders of what could have been. so let him deal with his love, and stop torturing yourself with if only's.

Tigeress said...

My heart sincerely goes out to you. But as u said- u ignored the warning signs. U sound like a lovely person- and based on that u deserve someone who feels u're the best thing since slice bread. U might think u cant get over him- but u will!!! U need him out of ur life COMPLETELY cos he will continue not to appreciate you. Do not let him use u anymore. Try and be strong and walk away. I know its easier said than done- but i honestly think you need to know and understand that you deserve the best and that is NOT the best u can get.

BSNC said...

i just have to add this..

sometimes loves comes around and it knocks you down, just get back up when it knocks you down...

Non-non said...

I agree with tigeress completely. Girlll, it hurts when you are taken for granted but now you need to seek your own happiness and this man will not make you happy as you've shed enough tears. I know it ain't easy at all but with time, you'll be alright. Try to keep yourself and your mind far from the situation and focus on you. YOU deserve better!

Fashinga said...
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Fashinga said...

Thank you all so much for your comments...They have been encouraging and they mean so much to me. I'm glad that i'm here on blogger and i'm glad that there are wonderful people on here who care about me..We're like a family and it makes me feel really loved and special. God bless y'all

Your advice has been heeded. be rest assured..I'm about to leave for work..I just wanted to take this time out to say thanks..

I'll be back to reply to comments individually..

Lots of love!!!

doll said...

One day and believe day will look back at this and laugh...he doesnt deserve you...just focus on that

NigerianDramaQueen said...

It seems like this guy needs to resolve his feelings with/about the ex before he can ever be there for you. So sorry you've had to deal with all this...hope everything gets better!
I'm sending a cyber hug your way babe!

archiwiz said...

This was a very sad read for me. Please, take care of yourself. Now is not the time to try to retain his friendship. Stay away from him and her for as long as you need to , to heal, and work on getting over him. And, remember the warning signs for next time a guy with baggage comes along.

*Multiple hugs*

Anonymous said...

Oh darl, I am so sorry! so so sorry! Be strong and know that this too shall pass. But I must say that he is an idiot.

RocNaija said...

Hmm.. So I know you're getting hugs from everyone, but I'm so vexed on your behalf, you can't imagine.
First of all, this dude.. Is so stupid it undescribable! A complete and utter bolo! What was he doing crying in your arms?! So if he gets back with the girl and they have an argument he'll burst into tears again?? Who does he think he is? Roger Federer?! Nonsense.
Secondly, he asked you to beg her on his behalf.. He's not just dumb, he's dumb and dumber!! Bolo raised to power two. In fact I hope the girl doesn't take his sorry ass back.

Miss F.. Brush yo' shoulders off & keep it moving..
He might have seemed like everything you wanted.. but he obviously wasn't enough..

Anonymous said...

first of all, I just want to wrap u in my arms n give u a hot cup of cocoa...don't mind the guy jare; what impudence!

It's well dearie...I know it hurts but u have 2b strong...


wow..this is such a touchin story i can relate wud def find true love someday and most times its wen u least expect it :-)