The Case of the Ex (Long Post)

" I can't take this anymore Kenny..I'm tired of your constant comparison of the two of us. I'm not her and i will never be her. If you love her so much, how come you're with me and not her. You know what, why dont you go sort yourself out ok?"

A few split seconds later, the sound of my phone hitting the wall with a loud crash filled my eardrums.

Some moments later, as i scuttled over to pick up and piece together the parts of my phone, i felt the tears that i had been trying so hard to hold back trickle down my cheeks, and before long, i was crying hysterically. Why did i love him so damn much? Why did he keep expecting me to be like her? Wasn't i trying my best?

In just a short while, he had broken through my defenses and taken a strong hold of my heart and now it seemed everything he did was with an intention to hurt me.

You see, he was hurting as well...He was hurting for different reasons...He was hurting because of her... "The Ex".

Where do i start? Well, let me start from the beginning

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He was barely months out of the relationship and he couldn't get past the fact that it was over.. A few months after their break-up, he met me and we instantly hit it off.
I was enamored by his charms. He was all i wanted in a man. Handsome, Intelligent, understanding, caring and much more. We had a great connection and the 'chemistry' between us was strong.
After a few weeks, as i got to know more about him, i learnt about 'her'. It had been over for seven months now he said.He had apparently hurt her a lot and he felt guilty for the pain he caused her. Even though I could see that he still had feelings for this woman, i reasoned that it was realistic since he had been with her for years before the break-up. I could empathize with him, knowing how long it took me to get over my Ex as well.

I Ignored all the warning bells that warned me of the heart-wrenching pain that was to come and i proceeded to care for this man. It was not my intention to fall in love with him. No it was not my Intention to give my all to him.. I was caught unawares that day when he softly whispered "I Love you" into my ears as he held me close to him...

I didn't realize it at the time,call it stupidity or whatever but i now i see that i was his rebound. The first person he'd run to after 'her'. He needed someone to help him get over her. Someone to help erase the memories of her from his head. A substitute for her, and i unfortunately was that person.

As time progressed, he constantly expected me to act like her, think like her... so much so that he couldn't even see the unique person that i was.. Nothing i did appealed to him as long as i didn't do it like 'her'..It hurt me so darn much to see that i wasn't appreciated for who i was. I had lost that sweet and sensitive man i met at first.. All i saw was this frustrated man, who complained about everything i did. Why couldn't i just leave then?? I asked myself everyday while crying on my bed.. I loved him so much and i couldn't explain it.

A few weeks after, we had a long talk and decided to take a break from our 'farce' of a relationship, and settle for being just friends. 'Cos in truth, all he ever saw me as was a friend not a lover..
In the safety of my room, i cried over and over again.. something that had somewhat become a routine. The thing is he never saw me cry because i was always sure to put up a strong appearance when i saw him. I'd never let him think I'm weak..NEVER.

He calls me two days later and we decide to meet up. I was happy when i saw him and for a moment, i was oblivious to any pain. We laughed, talked and for the time being, the frustrated and depressed part of him was gone thankfully.

But a few hours later, my mood changes as I'm reminded by my forlorn heart all to soon that he never loved me like he'd claimed to. this mood swing does not go unnoticed and he too soon catches the bug..

"Don't get me wrong, i care about you. you have no idea.. but i've never loved anybody as much as i love her. All the time we haven't been together, i've been trying so hard to pretend that everything is all right but its not. I can't live without her. My life is meaningless and nothing interests me anymore.I just want to die! I just want to end my life!" He said all these to me in between sobs as he violently shook in my arms from crying.

I tried as much as i could to console him while my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I'm hurting so bad.. To love him so much and realize that whatever feelings he had claimed to have for me were all lies and she was the only one he loved with all his heart...

He begged me to help him talk to her, he said he's told her the way he feels for her but maybe she'd change her mind if she hears it from someone else.. but can i really go and convince another woman to take back the man that i love?

It hurts to know that all the times he spent with me, he really just wanted to be with her. All the good times we had, when we would laugh and play was all 'pretense' like he said. All the times he looked in my eyes and said he loved me, he was lying through his teeth.

What have i done wrong to him, to deserve this pain.. I don't blame him though. I blame this foolish thing called love, that makes people do stupid things without thinking. Once again, I'm a victim.

I told him i'll always be there for him, and i'll always be his friend to see him through his pain even though its killing me.. but must he think that I'm void of feelings?
This is the end of the road for me. I need some relief from this hurt that i feel. I need a release..

Vanilla Romance...

I'm staring at you,
Longing for you....
My anticipation building with the passing of every second
I can hear a consistent thud as the sound of my heartbeat gets louder
You're teasing me... Making me yearn for you
I so badly want to feel you in my mouth
The sweet sensation of tasting you with my tongue

I'm in my seventh heaven
Beside myself with pleasure
I try to resist you...
oooh i can’t take this anymore
I've got to have you

Slowly I advance
My tongue slithering over my lips
A resounding groan ensues from the gut of my throat
I close my eyes for a second
Images of you fill my head....
Creamy, velvety, and oh so sweet...

"Excuse me miss?? Are you going to order that shake you've been staring at?" her harsh voice intruding on my thoughts.

My eyes jerk open and the cashier is staring at me with utter amazement....

Shrugging, I give into temptation "Yes, I’ll have the vanilla shake" but this will be the last time, I thought to myself..I've got to resist your 'vanilla' charm...



Hehehehehhehehehehe... I fooled y'all didn’t I??

Later Luvs...Kisses!!!
F.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus..

GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after.

But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant.

With the best and most loving intentions, love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep in. The resentments build. Communication breaks down. Mistrust increases. Rejection and repression result. The magic of love is lost.


A while ago, i read a great book called "Men are from mars, women are from Venus(or vice/versa)" and a few days ago, i was reminiscing on the confrontational moments i had with my Ex. The days when we used to argue over the silliest things.



REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES (excerpt)

"Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to "want what we want" and "feel the way we feel."

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.

Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.

Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained."


I have been trying for so long to figure men out. why they do certain things they do, how they feel about certain things we( women) do. This book gave me a little insight and i could completely empathize with the context of its content.

There are times when i would do things for my man and hope that he sees that the reason i'm doing them is because i care.
I expect some sort of acknowledgment of the efforts i'm making to keep him happy..when he doesnt reciprocate, i relentlessly keep up. hoping that one day, he'll see all the things i do for him. It gets to a point where i begin to feel unapreciated and frustrated. i can suddenly not take it anymore and my pent up antipation becomes aggresion, im thinking "he just doesnt care about me".

You see, maybe he does care, he just may be oblivious to the things the woman wants & or needs. This leads the woman to think that the man is excedingly selfish when all along SHE was doing these things for him hoping to ellicit some sort of return.....he did not ask her to do them. The man thinks that the woman has suddenly changed & become a bitch cuz she now no longer does these things with a smile, if at all. The woman gets fed up doing things for a man that does not appreciate her.

i think it all boils down to the fact that perhaps I am not speaking a language which he can understand, nor is he speaking mine. This is not to say our miscommunication is one or another's fault, we just need to try to figure out each other's language.

Sometimes, we all forget just how different we are. We expect him know exactly how we feel and he us..... This "magic" between 'us' is something i dont know if i'll ever be able to comprehend..

i might not be back soon cos i've got a lot of things on my to-do list but i hope this post has been insightful to some of you.. Be sure to share your thoughts on what you think..

Later luvs...Kisses!!!!
F.

Getting back in my element

Tears welled up in my eyes and despite the efforts i made to keep them constricted, i felt my face flush as they trickled down my cheeks. Why on earth was i crying? I had no idea.
I had been running away from this vast jumbled up world that is my mind for what seems like forever.. I didn't want to cry..Damn it!! But the slow and bluesy melody of an R'n'b song on my mp3 player, brought a torrent of emotions flooding through me and before long, i was shaking like i was having a seizure. After sometime, i tried to calm down and make some sense of my emotions.

You see, i was very unhappy..Had been, for a while but I'd been hiding behind a facade. Yes!! lying even to myself that everything was fine.

The problem was, my unhappiness was unfanthomed and No it wasn't heartbreak or depression...More like a horrible feeling of despair. Without even realizing it, i had slowly been slipping into a state of paranoia..The real me, was now lost in a pile of self-pity.

Since i was a child, I've always been a go-getter, an achiever with big dreams and a fierce spirit. Now, its almost as if I've lost my purpose and drive..As much as I'd like to say that there's nothing unorthodox about my feelings, i know I'm deriding myself and i choose not to believe in a delusion..

Have you ever felt like you were in a box that just kept closing in on you?..well, that's pretty much an explanation of how i feel
A myriad of thoughts are coming to me now. I suddenly understand the epiphany of the phrase

getting back in my element

.

I'm tired of being alive and not living
I'm tired of passing through each day like a dream..
A new day is dawn for me.It's time for me to wake up and evolve

I need to snap out of my reverie.. I'M GETTING BACK IN MY ELEMENT!!!